Forgiveness

On Wednesday morning, the day of The Oaks Christmas Celebration, I read a chapter from Who is my Neighbor by Wayne Gordon. He talked about how my neighbor is someone who is vulnerable. And he quoted this letter from Patricia Raybon’s book I Told the Mountain to Move. 

Dear Babies:

This is Mama. You will know my voice, I think, even though we were together for such a short time. I did a bad thing. I didn’t trust God.  

I didn’t understand that God would have made everything ok. I was like Peter [who]…looked at the waves, not Jesus. And when he looked at the waves, he started to sink – down, down, down.

That’s how I felt, like I was sinking down. 

When the doctors said you were growing inside of me, that’s how I felt. So I didn’t love myself enough to know how to love you. I was afraid. I had made so many, many mistakes. And I was afraid. 

So I let fear convince me that more babies would just make things worse. 

Instead, look what I did. 

I robbed us. First, I robbed you –taking your own lives. Your own mama! I didn’t think I was strong enough. So I robbed myself of all the joy you would’ve brought me too. Brought all of us, your sisters, your family, and for each of you, your daddy. I thought we’d have more problems. That we didn’t have enough money. That we didn’t have enough time. That we didn’t have enough love. But I just didn’t know then that God is bigger. And God would make everything all right. I didn’t know. I was like Peter looking at the waves. 

I know you are in heaven, waiting for us – waiting for me. 

I know you’ve been waiting, looking every day, wondering when I would get there. Oh babies, I’m trying to get there – to be better, to live right, to be right, to learn what God wants me to learn, so I can make it to you.

My heart was deeply saddened and touched after reading this letter. Patricia’s honesty and forgiveness brought me to tears for most of the morning. I am so thankful for her hunger and thirst for righteousness. I am also thankful for the deep healing that is obviously going on in this woman's life. I want to understand God’s grace and forgiveness as this Mama does.